I am hearing it again. I hate it. It is the sound of women online apologizing for being.
Not because they have actually done something wrong.
Rather because they feel bad or guilty about things they should not. When I ran online communities I would see it happening regularly with intros.
Sorry for the long post.
Sorry to take up every ones time.
Sorry to be a bother.
Sorry for not contributing like I think I should or thought I would.
Sorry to take up every ones time.
Sorry to be a bother.
Sorry for not contributing like I think I should or thought I would.
Sorry sorry sorry
Now I am all for people apologizing when they are wrong. I understand the need to make amends and make things right when errors occur.
Failing to post to ones own blog is a failure to no one but the blogger him or herself. Why then do we apologize out loud for it?
I used to apologize all the time on Twitter. When I was new and things were a bit unknown and thus confusing. I would miss a day.
Or I would not tweet as much as I had planned. So I would tell my followers I had failed basically. Now I am all for people apologizing when they are wrong. I understand the need to make amends and make things right when errors occur.
Failing to post to ones own blog is a failure to no one but the blogger him or herself. Why then do we apologize out loud for it?
I used to apologize all the time on Twitter. When I was new and things were a bit unknown and thus confusing. I would miss a day.
The thing is I do not think anyone but me was upset.
People want good content but we are private citizens they have no right to demand it or its frequency from us.
Each person is in charge of how much they share with the world. It should not lead us to always feeling bad about ourselves and saying we failed when we really did not.
I read more from women than men but I have a sneaking suspicion men do not apologize profusely over nothing nearly as much as the female sex.
Some where along the line certain women seemed to have been socialized to Smile and Act Nice regardless of true fact and their own feeling.
Thankfully I never got this memo. I do not lose myself in the pursuit of others approval. I do what I want and I find little reason to apologize for it.
Ask yourself have you said:
I'm sorry/I am lame/I have been bad, lately?
Is that really how you see yourself? More importantly is that really who you are?
Stop apologizing out loud for internal issues you are trying to resolve.
You are appealing to your inner critic not really your audiences.
Agreed! When someone starts off a blog post, or even devotes an entire post to saying, "Sorry I haven't posted in a while," I tend to move on quickly.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I am glad I am not the only one to notice. I do not usually navigate away but it makes me SMH.
DeleteI think you're right! Women DO apologize a lot more than men, and tend to take responsibility for mistakes (and even non-mistakes as you mentioned) a lot more than they need to. I like your comment about apologizing for simply being! Women hold up half the sky. (Chinese proverb? If they didn't, would the sky fall?) Too get an idea of the real plight of women, read "Half the Sky" by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl Wu-Dunn.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the book recommendation that is a first in comments. Woo woo
DeleteIt might be interesting to look into how this is a world wide problem when cultures vary so much across the planet.
We are equals women and men. Balance is key.
Completely AGREE! Gosh there are days where I've missed Twitter a few days. I felt bad, etc... but then I realized I can do a lot, just not EVERYTHING. Thank you for posting!
ReplyDeleteI dart in and out of Twitter too these days that I am not doing it for business. I did too when I was for business because I only did it on days I worked and the store was not too busy.
DeleteMy stream always welcomes me back with open arms.
I'm laughing. i see myself in this post so much. I apologize for everything sometimes without even realizing it. I do apologize for long posts and my thoughts and stuff too. This was a great eye opener for me. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI have come to see that it is almost automatic. We want to be gracious and seem conscientious. I do understand but yest it is also good to realize the things we say too often or improperly and work on changing it up.
DeleteSorry I've been guilty of this... oops. ok, not sorry any longer.... :)
ReplyDeleteLive and learn. Think new thoughts. Laugh at self. Good advice to live by ;>
DeleteConsciousness Raising....it's literally what started the feminist movement. People are socialized to behave a certain way and it's never questioned until someone gives them a nudge and suddenly they realize..."Hey, what the hell was I thinking?"
ReplyDeleteWomen are raised to be pretty, kind, thoughtful, caring and understanding. We are not truly encouraged to expand our emotional vocabulary beyond those states of being. We can find ourselves apologizing for everything under the sun...then once a moment of clarity hits....we wonder why did we just do that?
The reason? We don't want to be viewed as difficult....or...gasp....bitches! A man is welcome to express all aspects of his emotional repertoire and he will rarely be judged for it....in fact, more likely than not, he will get a hearty pat on the back. I hope a lot of women see themselves when reading this and realize that is indeed time for a change and I won't be sorry to see it happen.
I am not a feminist but I was not raised to be seen as nice over being authentic. I was taught to live in a balance. Not think too much of myself and be a brat. Still able to express whatever I felt like saying.
DeleteActually I was born this way and there was no socialization or abuse to try and take that away from me. I hear older women saying many of them reach this more peaceful powerful state later in life.
After they have lived and experienced enough to not have to care what any and every random person might think of them. I want more women to get there sooner.
When I was co-dependent (college years) and apologized all the time, as well as said yes when I "couldn't" say no. After therapy and some self-help reading, I grew into myself and no longer have trouble with those issues. My 17-year-old daughter has a little trouble over-accepting responsibility for people's issues. Also, she's often worrying that people mean no when they say "yes." I always tell her that she needs to let people be responsible for their own decisions; it's not on her if someone can't be honest.
ReplyDeleteI can't stand it when people don't speak their minds or put everyone else's needs ahead of their own.
Congratulations. Yes imparting our wisdom to the next generation as they are growing up is a whole new challenge. Thank you for tackling it head on.
DeleteThere are different personality types that lend them selves to being more aware and giving than others. Those need to be protected especially. I get frustrated too when doormat types are wallowing around. Gotta be part of the solution is all I can tell myself.
It doesn't bother me at all. With all that women go through in their personal and private lives, much is carried over to the social networking and it's just signs of the times. I try not to find fault with my peers because at age 52 I have learned a lot from my offline/online life and interactions with others. If they want to say that they're sorry I accept that. It's an expression and not something negative. I'm sorry that you use the dreaded and hardly ever used captcha, lol
ReplyDeleteSorry for the blogger issues. One day I will open my WP blog. Mean while I am not as annoyed by women apologizing when I am pretty sure they do not need to as I feel bad for them.
DeleteI just wanted to again try and be part of the solution. It took a long time of hearing the same thing over and over and over again for it to trigger that there might be some under current driving it.
I can't wait to see how outrageous I am going to be as I get older. Things to look forward to! hahahaha
I think women are conditioned to feel that it is their responsibility to take care of everyone else. Even working moms who come home from the same longn days as working dads. Still it's up to them to remember all the details. And then we feel it's our fault if we forgot a kid's school conference etc because we didn't put it on the calendar. Women are caretakers. Let's face it. And we are sorry when we mess up.
ReplyDeleteWe are the caretakers and the hearts of our homes. We are for the most part and at many times the more sensitive of the sexes. We nurture. It is then far easier for us to feel and express compassion, care, have empathy and want to reach out to comfort another.
DeleteI am not sure how much socialization has to do with what just comes naturally. All I know is what I see. Women are far more capable than they realize or give themselves credit for.
Empowerment is about changing how we see ourselves and what we say about ourselves along the journey.