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Monday, February 21, 2011

Surprise! Delivery Now

Have you ever heard a story about a woman who only realized she was pregnant when she went into labor?

I know for most of us who have been pregnant it sounds like complete nonsense but occasionally this strange phenomenon does take place.

One Sunday I was sitting in church around 2003. I usually take notes on the sermon but this day I started taking notes on the idea of what signs and clues would a woman in such a predicament be able to look back on and finally put together. I made another sub list of tell tale signs or clues that would have been missing further explaining the predicament.

I laid all that out just now to sort of set up where it seems I find myself in this moment. Spiritually I think I am in the delivery room. This delivery comes as a shock to me. It feels different than any other thing I might have birthed before. I feel like this delivery has epochal proportions.

My life has consisted of intense struggle since 2004. Many times I have said or thought I might be birthing something. This time I might actually be nervous going in. My flesh feels trepidation. My conscious spirit has no idea what to expect.

All I can really say is this last season of 90 plus days tho it has been tranquil in almost every way has felt as tumultuous in the spirit as those I spent living with people who did not like me in places I was praying to get out of.

The delightful thing is how God brought me to the realization of where I finally am. I was telling Him I wanted more spiritual meat or revelation. Over this weekend He led me to YouTube where I caught up on conferences from the last decade or so by women who’ve been where I want to go.

As the new information was being down loaded I blindly continued to follow trails until I got to a door way marked the Threshing Floor. I have been needing my prayer life to restart and go to the next level.

My thought had been to start going to bed at a decent hour and when I wake up at an unnaturally early hour devote that time to prayer even if it means I nap later on. If I do not nap then I can do house work, homework and online support like normal.

I wondered if God was asking me to give up my, stay up late sleep in when ever possible, lifestyle for the sake of whatever it is I need to be doing. I have an peculiar way of knowing what I do not know. lol sigh

Prayerfully this season is about to begin. Ushering me into the presence of the Almighty God. Am I acceptable like the church of Philadelphia? It is my desire.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Exposing another (secret past sin)

It feels like the time to unpack my other big hush hush previous sin.

When God called me in the fall of 2003 I was dating a butch lesbian. I identified as a bisexual voyeur.

I am sharing this not to scandalize those who have no idea what I am talking about. Rather I know that there are others who God is ready to deliver from the alternative lifestyle and who need to know others that have been involved in it.

When I first realized I had deviant sexual thoughts to this degree I resolved not to really tell anyone about it or talk to others about it until I met others like me. I did not want to have to try and explain it to my straight friends.

Now I feel as a Christian that since this issue never seems to come up in church if I do not put it out there it can live as a secret and never help those it should.

Even before I came back to God I began to see what I considered the dark side of alternative lifestyles. It is one thing to want free love even polyamory. It becomes quite another when you find human beings willing to resort to drastic measures because they have come to despise the gender of the body they were born with.

While I was in the lifestyle the discussion of where all these non hetro ideas come from. Some were responding to or running from abuse. Others had been exposed at perhaps an impressionable time. Many just simply always felt different.

I now know I have a gay cousin. Growing up I think I knew one woman who was gay other than that I had no exposure to alternative lifestyles. When I developed my first crush on a girl I had no idea that was what was happening or that there was a word for people who liked both sexes.

Now I just speak over myself what God has said and written about me. I was created heterosexual. I am commanded to be chaste holy and celibate until such time as I get married legally and spiritually to the man I was created for.

Knowing the truth of scripture it wasn’t hard to release the things I had been claiming over my life while I was out in the world. This doesn’t mean I always feel normal.

3 years ago my best friend of over a decade was another Christian mom. She was married and never interested in women. I never even had a crush on her. Suddenly she can’t stand me and thinks I am causing problems in my life by ignoring God. We had a conversation where she lashed out at me and it broke my heart.

I was devastated for two weeks to have her turn on me. Even after God confirmed that I was not doing anything she accused me of. It hurt so bad. Worse than any break up I had ever had with a guy. Having been friends so long it felt like a divorce. Some thing some where on the inside of me was susceptible to women.

I believe I am healed but I also think my having been bisexual is the reason this went so deep. Maybe it is that whatever else was open in my spirit allowed me to also believe I was for a time bi. Maybe that is just hair splitting.

Sy Rogers
Came out of the lifestyle after growing up gay and coming to think he was in the wrong body.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Winter 09

So God told me to enroll in college September of 08.

I enrolled in Bible college for the next quarter and tried to go full force. I had no job and no real place to live. Silly me I assumed if He was leading at least the latter was assured.

One year later my daughter is living with her step mother. Not her father just the woman and kids he is separated from.

I was couch surfing incredulously. After 9 moves in a year the new external suggestions were... I had heard God wrong or refused to see truth and needed to get a job.

"Going to school full time was obviously not my directive…"

I took a mini course load and a part time job in a new store that was just about to open…

My daughter was across town. I ended up sleeping on a fellow students couch. It was in a three bedroom apartment shared with her, another roommate, three children and a little dog. I like dogs but I am a cat person.
I prefer staying up all night to getting up early but anyone who’s lived in a busy house knows how well that can work.

Mornings were filled with the activity of those who had morning classes of which I and the two teens in the house did not. The eldest is a boy who got up to help mom by getting the younger brother off to school.

After the hubbub of it all it would just be me and him pitter pattering around the kitchen in the mornings. I only ever really remember small talk especially in those first days. I was still reeling.

One day talking aloud to God I was ranting about my situation. What in the heck was He trying to say. Why in the world had He left never mind led me here?

The teen boy said “Ms Tosca don’t you know what a blessing you are to me?”

Gulp ummm no….

Wow just wow. I was not trying to be a blessing. I was trying to figure out how I was supposed to get a job that didn’t exist before, to keep me out of the mess I was in right then.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Confession Time (Sensitive Topic Warning)

I met my daughters father when I was 18. We quickly fell into a sexual relationship and within a month I was pregnant.

To say I was shocked would have been the understatement of the decade. I had by then had sex with more than a few guys with never even a hint or worry about pregnancy.

It really was the furthest thing on my mind. Faced with the harsh reality of my situation I turned to the world which said I had the option of medically ending my crisis.

I said “I just am not ready and I do not want to bring a child into this world that I cannot give myself to.” It was a lame little prayer but it was honestly where I was at. I felt like even if I was making the wrong choice it meant there would be no one suffering in life because I brought them through and had no idea what I was up to.

The idea of adoption has never appealed to me even if I had wanted to give up my body for a year not to mention altering it externally. I know that children carry the spiritual inheritance of their biological parents. I also know they act and think in many ways like the families they come from. Giving them away to strangers is traumatic.

Anyway in September of that year I walked into a clinic and had an abortion. I think my baby was a boy. I think he has forgiven me. I know God has forgiven me. I wonder if it was only a test since I felt so woefully unprepared. What in the world would I have done with a baby in 1995???

The Holy Spirit told me NO in big bold letters back then. I took it to have to do with the boyfriend and dropped him like a bad habit. I had trusted him and he was out of control there we were both in a ditch.

It broke his heart. He never understood why or really how to earn my trust and respect. I was all set to never talk to him again or see him ever.

For some strange reason after the procedure I called him and we got back together.

A year later I was moving into a new apartment after living with him for 9 months. We still were having unprotected sex. The Holy Spirit told me if I let the boyfriend move in I would end up pregnant. (again)

I did not rush to prevent it. I sometimes wonder if the boyfriend just thought kids were inevitable and would cement a relationship. The month I finally had birth control available to use I got pregnant right before I could start.

Some of the reasons I just couldn’t see myself being a mother have to do with the total shock and lack of planning. Abortion only came to mind because it was legal and readily available. I don’t think I would have been interested in tracking down some guru with a coat hanger in a back alley or sleazy setting. I could have gone for a pill fix if I trusted that could work.

Getting pregnant the 2nd time (with the same guy) just struck me totally differently. I didn’t think taking another life was the answer to anything or the right thing to do. Not much time had passed but I was more willing to let a child come along and change my life.

When I look back nothing makes me think I could have been the awesome parent @ 19 that I became @ 21. Only God understands what this has really been all about.