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Sunday, February 20, 2011

Exposing another (secret past sin)

It feels like the time to unpack my other big hush hush previous sin.

When God called me in the fall of 2003 I was dating a butch lesbian. I identified as a bisexual voyeur.

I am sharing this not to scandalize those who have no idea what I am talking about. Rather I know that there are others who God is ready to deliver from the alternative lifestyle and who need to know others that have been involved in it.

When I first realized I had deviant sexual thoughts to this degree I resolved not to really tell anyone about it or talk to others about it until I met others like me. I did not want to have to try and explain it to my straight friends.

Now I feel as a Christian that since this issue never seems to come up in church if I do not put it out there it can live as a secret and never help those it should.

Even before I came back to God I began to see what I considered the dark side of alternative lifestyles. It is one thing to want free love even polyamory. It becomes quite another when you find human beings willing to resort to drastic measures because they have come to despise the gender of the body they were born with.

While I was in the lifestyle the discussion of where all these non hetro ideas come from. Some were responding to or running from abuse. Others had been exposed at perhaps an impressionable time. Many just simply always felt different.

I now know I have a gay cousin. Growing up I think I knew one woman who was gay other than that I had no exposure to alternative lifestyles. When I developed my first crush on a girl I had no idea that was what was happening or that there was a word for people who liked both sexes.

Now I just speak over myself what God has said and written about me. I was created heterosexual. I am commanded to be chaste holy and celibate until such time as I get married legally and spiritually to the man I was created for.

Knowing the truth of scripture it wasn’t hard to release the things I had been claiming over my life while I was out in the world. This doesn’t mean I always feel normal.

3 years ago my best friend of over a decade was another Christian mom. She was married and never interested in women. I never even had a crush on her. Suddenly she can’t stand me and thinks I am causing problems in my life by ignoring God. We had a conversation where she lashed out at me and it broke my heart.

I was devastated for two weeks to have her turn on me. Even after God confirmed that I was not doing anything she accused me of. It hurt so bad. Worse than any break up I had ever had with a guy. Having been friends so long it felt like a divorce. Some thing some where on the inside of me was susceptible to women.

I believe I am healed but I also think my having been bisexual is the reason this went so deep. Maybe it is that whatever else was open in my spirit allowed me to also believe I was for a time bi. Maybe that is just hair splitting.

Sy Rogers
Came out of the lifestyle after growing up gay and coming to think he was in the wrong body.

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