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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Confession Time (Sensitive Topic Warning)

I met my daughters father when I was 18. We quickly fell into a sexual relationship and within a month I was pregnant.

To say I was shocked would have been the understatement of the decade. I had by then had sex with more than a few guys with never even a hint or worry about pregnancy.

It really was the furthest thing on my mind. Faced with the harsh reality of my situation I turned to the world which said I had the option of medically ending my crisis.

I said “I just am not ready and I do not want to bring a child into this world that I cannot give myself to.” It was a lame little prayer but it was honestly where I was at. I felt like even if I was making the wrong choice it meant there would be no one suffering in life because I brought them through and had no idea what I was up to.

The idea of adoption has never appealed to me even if I had wanted to give up my body for a year not to mention altering it externally. I know that children carry the spiritual inheritance of their biological parents. I also know they act and think in many ways like the families they come from. Giving them away to strangers is traumatic.

Anyway in September of that year I walked into a clinic and had an abortion. I think my baby was a boy. I think he has forgiven me. I know God has forgiven me. I wonder if it was only a test since I felt so woefully unprepared. What in the world would I have done with a baby in 1995???

The Holy Spirit told me NO in big bold letters back then. I took it to have to do with the boyfriend and dropped him like a bad habit. I had trusted him and he was out of control there we were both in a ditch.

It broke his heart. He never understood why or really how to earn my trust and respect. I was all set to never talk to him again or see him ever.

For some strange reason after the procedure I called him and we got back together.

A year later I was moving into a new apartment after living with him for 9 months. We still were having unprotected sex. The Holy Spirit told me if I let the boyfriend move in I would end up pregnant. (again)

I did not rush to prevent it. I sometimes wonder if the boyfriend just thought kids were inevitable and would cement a relationship. The month I finally had birth control available to use I got pregnant right before I could start.

Some of the reasons I just couldn’t see myself being a mother have to do with the total shock and lack of planning. Abortion only came to mind because it was legal and readily available. I don’t think I would have been interested in tracking down some guru with a coat hanger in a back alley or sleazy setting. I could have gone for a pill fix if I trusted that could work.

Getting pregnant the 2nd time (with the same guy) just struck me totally differently. I didn’t think taking another life was the answer to anything or the right thing to do. Not much time had passed but I was more willing to let a child come along and change my life.

When I look back nothing makes me think I could have been the awesome parent @ 19 that I became @ 21. Only God understands what this has really been all about.

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