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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Growling along w/ Cub

Gasp I am raising a daughter aged 13 please give me a glass of water ~fans self~. Some days I am just not sure what to think of her. How far is too far, am I making right decisions, will she be scarred for life???? ^_^ (0) - (0)


Things have been awkward to say the least in the last few months. We were separated through the Christmas holiday. I lost my phone for a few days and then got seriously ill with some sort of bug that went through the household I am sharing.

This wouldn't have been so bad if we hadn't been planning on getting together it being Christmas and break after all. There was no set arrangement but it just seemed it would happen. Where she is, is where she has chosen to be. She doesn't want to stay where I am staying and had her calendar full of sleep overs and activities with friends so I let her be.

I have spent the past 12 years with her all but 24/7 365. It is a time for freedom and independence. She's pulling away and into her friends at school. This has all been an adjustment but it is so normal. Trying to just roll with the punches.

I even began to think this is exactly what God wanted a harsh break between us to force a crises in her life. Even being homeless having me near is incredibly stabilizing for her. The week that I had this thought I went to a prayer service @ my church and a minister who prayed for me said "The Lord says praise Him because the salvation of your family is due and released through your worship."

Don't quote me on that but it seemed to sort of gel. My dad died in 06 suddenly at only 52 or 53 years of age. My brother, my daughter and his sister (my aunt) are still not over it. My mother and I have released him. We are the only two walking in our salvation at the moment. The other three are still wandering in the world like little prodigals. My brother has had 3 people die this year connected to his life. The parents of two girls he went to school with. One of the girls just married our cousin in Sept and her mom died in Dec. Back in March my brothers God brother who was barely 31 with 4 little kids and a fiance went to sleep one night and did not wake up. Much pressure, stress and pain. I do not know as much about my aunt she lives in TX and I am in CA our families were never really close just due to distance.

These are just the situations of our lives but when we look closely we can see the hand of God behind our circumstances. To fully survive them in mental and emotional health we must rest in Him and look to Him in times of pain and stress.

All this being said the disconnect between my daughter and I for all these days was excessive. I guess I was waiting for her to tell me what she needed or just waiting for things to straighten themselves out and get back to normal so we can resume life as we prefer it.

Last night I went to see her and she was giving me the cold shoulder. eke Yikes okay.....

Mad at me and accusing me when she finally would give me a few moments. I had to really listen and hear what she was not saying. I apologized to her told her it was wrong to stay out of touch. I promised it will be better.

Then I told her to try and put this in perspective "You wouldn't be mad at me if you didn't need me and please use your words to ask for what you want instead of other things or being bratty." It is not like she called me to talk and I wouldn't. She would call me for things but never to hang out or just chat.

We are both strong women. Our Mamas raised us well as babies. Which enables a level of confidence and security the world can't touch because it is God given. Babies whose parents fail to meet their needs loose this ability to trust and connect with the world. They grow up instinctively feeling mistrustful and abandoned because something went wrong very early in life. My dd had no father to speak of in the first 5 years and is a bit more grouchy than I am because of it (to say the least lol sigh).

Well raised babies grow up to be strong adolescents. When they start complaining about things and how we treat them we need to listen, meet the needs and find balance. It further helps them navigate positively through life.

I am studying an over view of human development in a youth ministry class I threw on my schedule as winter quarter started. It has been so timely. God is so good. Some of this stuff I knew instinctively but it is good to hear it again as we go through these specific issues and trials.

I feel like what went wrong for me at this stage in my life was my parents failed to hear my complaints as needs. When I was old enough to talk and reason they assumed they could tell me how to feel and that would be the end of it.

The rift that caused in our relationship is the reason I decided to parent my daughter the opposite to what I was shown.