Surprise! Delivery Now

Have you ever heard a story about a woman who only realized she was pregnant when she went into labor?

I know for most of us who have been pregnant it sounds like complete nonsense but occasionally this strange phenomenon does take place.

One Sunday I was sitting in church around 2003. I usually take notes on the sermon but this day I started taking notes on the idea of what signs and clues would a woman in such a predicament be able to look back on and finally put together. I made another sub list of tell tale signs or clues that would have been missing further explaining the predicament.

I laid all that out just now to sort of set up where it seems I find myself in this moment. Spiritually I think I am in the delivery room. This delivery comes as a shock to me. It feels different than any other thing I might have birthed before. I feel like this delivery has epochal proportions.

My life has consisted of intense struggle since 2004. Many times I have said or thought I might be birthing something. This time I might actually be nervous going in. My flesh feels trepidation. My conscious spirit has no idea what to expect.

All I can really say is this last season of 90 plus days tho it has been tranquil in almost every way has felt as tumultuous in the spirit as those I spent living with people who did not like me in places I was praying to get out of.

The delightful thing is how God brought me to the realization of where I finally am. I was telling Him I wanted more spiritual meat or revelation. Over this weekend He led me to YouTube where I caught up on conferences from the last decade or so by women who’ve been where I want to go.

As the new information was being down loaded I blindly continued to follow trails until I got to a door way marked the Threshing Floor. I have been needing my prayer life to restart and go to the next level.

My thought had been to start going to bed at a decent hour and when I wake up at an unnaturally early hour devote that time to prayer even if it means I nap later on. If I do not nap then I can do house work, homework and online support like normal.

I wondered if God was asking me to give up my, stay up late sleep in when ever possible, lifestyle for the sake of whatever it is I need to be doing. I have an peculiar way of knowing what I do not know. lol sigh

Prayerfully this season is about to begin. Ushering me into the presence of the Almighty God. Am I acceptable like the church of Philadelphia? It is my desire.

Exposing another (secret past sin)

It feels like the time to unpack my other big hush hush previous sin.

When God called me in the fall of 2003 I was dating a butch lesbian. I identified as a bisexual voyeur.

I am sharing this not to scandalize those who have no idea what I am talking about. Rather I know that there are others who God is ready to deliver from the alternative lifestyle and who need to know others that have been involved in it.


When I first realized I had deviant sexual thoughts to this degree I resolved not to really tell anyone about it or talk to others about it until I met others like me. I did not want to have to try and explain it to my straight friends.

Now I feel as a Christian that since this issue never seems to come up in church if I do not put it out there it can live as a secret and never help those it should.

Even before I came back to God I began to see what I considered the dark side of alternative lifestyles. It is one thing to want free love even polyamory. It becomes quite another when you find human beings willing to resort to drastic measures because they have come to despise the gender of the body they were born with.

While I was in the lifestyle the discussion of where all these non hetro ideas come from. Some were responding to or running from abuse. Others had been exposed at perhaps an impressionable time. Many just simply always felt different.

I now know I have a gay cousin. Growing up I think I knew one woman who was gay other than that I had no exposure to alternative lifestyles. When I developed my first crush on a girl I had no idea that was what was happening or that there was a word for people who liked both sexes.

Now I just speak over myself what God has said and written about me. I was created heterosexual. I am commanded to be chaste holy and celibate until such time as I get married legally and spiritually to the man I was created for.

Knowing the truth of scripture it wasn’t hard to release the things I had been claiming over my life while I was out in the world. This doesn’t mean I always feel normal.

3 years ago my best friend of over a decade was another Christian mom. She was married and never interested in women. I never even had a crush on her. Suddenly she can’t stand me and thinks I am causing problems in my life by ignoring God. We had a conversation where she lashed out at me and it broke my heart.

I was devastated for two weeks to have her turn on me. Even after God confirmed that I was not doing anything she accused me of. It hurt so bad. Worse than any break up I had ever had with a guy. Having been friends so long it felt like a divorce. Some thing some where on the inside of me was susceptible to women.

I believe I am healed but I also think my having been bisexual is the reason this went so deep. Maybe it is that whatever else was open in my spirit allowed me to also believe I was for a time bi. Maybe that is just hair splitting.


Sy Rogers
Came out of the lifestyle after growing up gay and coming to think he was in the wrong body.

Winter 09

So God told me to enroll in college September of 08.

I enrolled in Bible college for the next quarter and tried to go full force. I had no job and no real place to live. Silly me I assumed if He was leading at least the latter was assured.

One year later my daughter is living with her step mother. Not her father just the woman and kids he is separated from.

I was couch surfing incredulously. After 9 moves in a year the new external suggestions were... I had heard God wrong or refused to see truth and needed to get a job.

"Going to school full time was obviously not my directive…"

I took a mini course load and a part time job in a new store that was just about to open…

My daughter was across town. I ended up sleeping on a fellow students couch. It was in a three bedroom apartment shared with her, another roommate, three children and a little dog. I like dogs but I am a cat person.

I prefer staying up all night to getting up early but anyone who’s lived in a busy house knows how well that can work.

Mornings were filled with the activity of those who had morning classes of which I and the two teens in the house did not. The eldest is a boy who got up to help mom by getting the younger brother off to school.

After the hubbub of it all it would just be me and him pitter pattering around the kitchen in the mornings. I only ever really remember small talk especially in those first days. I was still reeling.

One day talking aloud to God I was ranting about my situation. What in the heck was He trying to say. Why in the world had He left never mind led me here?

The teen boy said “Ms Tosca don’t you know what a blessing you are to me?”

Gulp ummm no….

Wow just wow. I was not trying to be a blessing. I was trying to figure out how I was supposed to get a job that didn’t exist before, to keep me out of the mess I was in right then.

Confession Time (Sensitive Topic Warning)

I met my daughters father when I was 18. We quickly fell into a sexual relationship and within a month I was pregnant.

To say I was shocked would have been the understatement of the decade. I had by then had sex with more than a few guys with never even a hint or worry about pregnancy.

It really was the furthest thing on my mind. Faced with the harsh reality of my situation I turned to the world which said I had the option of medically ending my crisis.

I said “I just am not ready and I do not want to bring a child into this world that I cannot give myself to.” It was a lame little prayer but it was honestly where I was at. I felt like even if I was making the wrong choice it meant there would be no one suffering in life because I brought them through and had no idea what I was up to.

The idea of adoption has never appealed to me even if I had wanted to give up my body for a year not to mention altering it externally. I know that children carry the spiritual inheritance of their biological parents. I also know they act and think in many ways like the families they come from. Giving them away to strangers is traumatic.

Anyway in September of that year I walked into a clinic and had an abortion. I think my baby was a boy. I think he has forgiven me. I know God has forgiven me. I wonder if it was only a test since I felt so woefully unprepared. What in the world would I have done with a baby in 1995???

The Holy Spirit told me NO in big bold letters back then. I took it to have to do with the boyfriend and dropped him like a bad habit. I had trusted him and he was out of control there we were both in a ditch.

It broke his heart. He never understood why or really how to earn my trust and respect. I was all set to never talk to him again or see him ever.

For some strange reason after the procedure I called him and we got back together.

A year later I was moving into a new apartment after living with him for 9 months. We still were having unprotected sex. The Holy Spirit told me if I let the boyfriend move in I would end up pregnant. (again)

I did not rush to prevent it. I sometimes wonder if the boyfriend just thought kids were inevitable and would cement a relationship. The month I finally had birth control available to use I got pregnant right before I could start.

Some of the reasons I just couldn’t see myself being a mother have to do with the total shock and lack of planning. Abortion only came to mind because it was legal and readily available. I don’t think I would have been interested in tracking down some guru with a coat hanger in a back alley or sleazy setting. I could have gone for a pill fix if I trusted that could work.

Getting pregnant the 2nd time (with the same guy) just struck me totally differently. I didn’t think taking another life was the answer to anything or the right thing to do. Not much time had passed but I was more willing to let a child come along and change my life.

When I look back nothing makes me think I could have been the awesome parent @ 19 that I became @ 21. Only God understands what this has really been all about.

Am I the Problem Here?

So my daughter has a cell phone. Something I did not even want but had to get. Something her father was going to get for her. A friend we ended up couch surfing with gave my daughter her first phone. That one she dropped and dropped in the toilet etc.

Finally it was on it’s last legs so another friend of hers gave her a recycled one of the same model. That one wasn’t in great shape when she got it. She treats it about the same.

It is now as it approaches it’s last legs that she texts me while spending the night else where “Call me!” I call, she starts with all that has been wrong with her phone. I tell her I am not at all thinking about buying her a new one.

She calls me mean & selfish. I did just buy myself a new one so of course that makes sense…NOT.

Then she gets all upset because I never do anything for her. I won’t listen and just go along with her. Waa waa waaa

She ends by mentioning a dog where she is has chewed up her phone charger/cord and she needs a new one. Only after I mention the seeming non nonsensicalness of spending good money on a full price replacement piece for a phone that is on it’s last legs does she throw in that there is a discount place which would sell us one for less and that is really all she called to ask about.

So why not lead with the good parts is my only question. This information is what I needed to consider. We get off the phone.

Later I get a text from her saying another friend is about to get a new phone and would recycle the old one to my daughter if we need and want.

To date I have done nothing and I think things are fine. The dd has calmed down and the phone is still functioning. Someone else had an old charger to give her.

Somewhere in this all I think there is a message about depending on the wrong people as sources as well as about communication and how best to present a case to someone and get the reaction expected or preferred.

When will mine learn that I am not a sucker for hard luck cases?

Bus Trials & Trails

Ok... so the other night I needed to catch a bus @ 5:45 that would get me to the front of my college by 5:54 for a 6pm night class. I live 5 minutes away by auto and got to the bus stop around 45 after the hour. My bus departed between 40 and 44 after apparently because I did not catch one until the next run half an hour later.

This morning, I rush out to again utilize the local public transit and step in some mucky mud. It got not just on my cute girly shoes but the bottom of my pant leg. ARGH

The days I wake up late it means I will be half an hour late for class because that is how often the bus runs but it takes me 12 to 15 minutes to walk so about the same difference. No way I can get there on time.

Do I need strength and endurance training for some reason to be seen in the near future? I know walking, which I do as much as riding, is good for me. Intense itching can occur if I don’t properly warm up??? or have on restrictive clothing some times. Other times I have walked double the length in heels with groceries and just felt the weight of the items I was carrying. Go figure.

The night that happened in fact...

A bus I needed to catch ran so late I missed the train to get to the last bus running by my house that evening. I could have walked to the train station but not by the time I realized the bus would not make it.

Friends say they are willing to give me a ride but no one goes out of their way to just include and involve me in their plans for the day so I can get to the bank or grocery store. I feel forgotten and forsaken. Is it that I just have to ask? I doubt it. Good thing I am able minded and able bodied. I don’t need much help 'cause ain’t much coming.

I am not complaining just explaining what it’s like. There are of course much worse things to have happening in one’s life. The night I missed the last bus as I trudged towards home loaded down I was praying and talking to God. Nothing else to do right? lol “I need some help.” I said.

As I came down the freeway over pass there was a pan handler. He noticed my plight. "Ma'am can I help you?" he asked. What the heck is he going to do… I was thinking. He gathered his stuff and carried a few of my bags all the way to my apartment complex at least a mile. Interesting…I was appreciative.

Some help and it’s what I got. I had been thinking I could flag down a passing motorist who seemed to be going in my direction. Getting help from a pan handler on the side of the road who turned out to live in the neighborhood next to mine. Yeah no was not on my radar...

Decade Review. Disasters & Glee!

01 A wandering prodigal. I had a p/t seasonal job from a previous season. A permanent placement offer was on the table. Before 9/11 all that changed. I became Nanny to a family which visited NYC that August.

02 I picked up some supplemental hours at the old job and was released as Nanny. For a moment with the cushy job the plan had been to put money away for buying a house at around age 30.

02 Was the year I bought an ice cream maker and created delectable premium recipes with it.

03 God came calling and I said yes to Him.

04 Again a Nanny job ended, my car died then my coffee maker (ask me which I whined more about). Finally I lost my apartment.

05 With no transportation and a bit demoralized I was living back home with parents. To cheer myself up I started a little, online, local, homeschooling support group that is still going strong with over 300 families to date.

06 Early in February God confirmed that some where out there is a husband He wants me with. Then abruptly two weeks later my dad died unexpectedly in a car crash on his way to work. That summer my mother took me on vacation with her and gave me her car. That fall she evicted me. I ended up living with a friend of mine who has a mansion in El Macero a suburb of Davis for the winter. Did I mention the indoor pool? Ahahahaha

07 I got into my own place again and really wanted to move to NM but God said No… We gained and lost 3 kitties.

08 God gave L a dream and told me to put her in public school. (Crazy right?) We did Sly Park and moved 4 times.

09 I started @ Epic Bible college. We moved 4 times again the fourth of which L did not come with me. I ended up right where God wanted me and made friends with a teen age boy.

Last year I moved 4 more times (can you say "this gets old"?) and spent the summer in Rocklin while working downtown. It’s like He didn’t know I am not one for commuting. It killed my car. Waa