Winter 09

So God told me to enroll in college September of 08.

I enrolled in Bible college for the next quarter and tried to go full force. I had no job and no real place to live. Silly me I assumed if He was leading at least the latter was assured.

One year later my daughter is living with her step mother. Not her father just the woman and kids he is separated from.

I was couch surfing incredulously. After 9 moves in a year the new external suggestions were... I had heard God wrong or refused to see truth and needed to get a job.

"Going to school full time was obviously not my directive…"

I took a mini course load and a part time job in a new store that was just about to open…

My daughter was across town. I ended up sleeping on a fellow students couch. It was in a three bedroom apartment shared with her, another roommate, three children and a little dog. I like dogs but I am a cat person.

I prefer staying up all night to getting up early but anyone who’s lived in a busy house knows how well that can work.

Mornings were filled with the activity of those who had morning classes of which I and the two teens in the house did not. The eldest is a boy who got up to help mom by getting the younger brother off to school.

After the hubbub of it all it would just be me and him pitter pattering around the kitchen in the mornings. I only ever really remember small talk especially in those first days. I was still reeling.

One day talking aloud to God I was ranting about my situation. What in the heck was He trying to say. Why in the world had He left never mind led me here?

The teen boy said “Ms Tosca don’t you know what a blessing you are to me?”

Gulp ummm no….

Wow just wow. I was not trying to be a blessing. I was trying to figure out how I was supposed to get a job that didn’t exist before, to keep me out of the mess I was in right then.

Confession Time (Sensitive Topic Warning)

I met my daughters father when I was 18. We quickly fell into a sexual relationship and within a month I was pregnant.

To say I was shocked would have been the understatement of the decade. I had by then had sex with more than a few guys with never even a hint or worry about pregnancy.

It really was the furthest thing on my mind. Faced with the harsh reality of my situation I turned to the world which said I had the option of medically ending my crisis.

I said “I just am not ready and I do not want to bring a child into this world that I cannot give myself to.” It was a lame little prayer but it was honestly where I was at. I felt like even if I was making the wrong choice it meant there would be no one suffering in life because I brought them through and had no idea what I was up to.

The idea of adoption has never appealed to me even if I had wanted to give up my body for a year not to mention altering it externally. I know that children carry the spiritual inheritance of their biological parents. I also know they act and think in many ways like the families they come from. Giving them away to strangers is traumatic.

Anyway in September of that year I walked into a clinic and had an abortion. I think my baby was a boy. I think he has forgiven me. I know God has forgiven me. I wonder if it was only a test since I felt so woefully unprepared. What in the world would I have done with a baby in 1995???

The Holy Spirit told me NO in big bold letters back then. I took it to have to do with the boyfriend and dropped him like a bad habit. I had trusted him and he was out of control there we were both in a ditch.

It broke his heart. He never understood why or really how to earn my trust and respect. I was all set to never talk to him again or see him ever.

For some strange reason after the procedure I called him and we got back together.

A year later I was moving into a new apartment after living with him for 9 months. We still were having unprotected sex. The Holy Spirit told me if I let the boyfriend move in I would end up pregnant. (again)

I did not rush to prevent it. I sometimes wonder if the boyfriend just thought kids were inevitable and would cement a relationship. The month I finally had birth control available to use I got pregnant right before I could start.

Some of the reasons I just couldn’t see myself being a mother have to do with the total shock and lack of planning. Abortion only came to mind because it was legal and readily available. I don’t think I would have been interested in tracking down some guru with a coat hanger in a back alley or sleazy setting. I could have gone for a pill fix if I trusted that could work.

Getting pregnant the 2nd time (with the same guy) just struck me totally differently. I didn’t think taking another life was the answer to anything or the right thing to do. Not much time had passed but I was more willing to let a child come along and change my life.

When I look back nothing makes me think I could have been the awesome parent @ 19 that I became @ 21. Only God understands what this has really been all about.

Am I the Problem Here?

So my daughter has a cell phone. Something I did not even want but had to get. Something her father was going to get for her. A friend we ended up couch surfing with gave my daughter her first phone. That one she dropped and dropped in the toilet etc.

Finally it was on it’s last legs so another friend of hers gave her a recycled one of the same model. That one wasn’t in great shape when she got it. She treats it about the same.

It is now as it approaches it’s last legs that she texts me while spending the night else where “Call me!” I call, she starts with all that has been wrong with her phone. I tell her I am not at all thinking about buying her a new one.

She calls me mean & selfish. I did just buy myself a new one so of course that makes sense…NOT.

Then she gets all upset because I never do anything for her. I won’t listen and just go along with her. Waa waa waaa

She ends by mentioning a dog where she is has chewed up her phone charger/cord and she needs a new one. Only after I mention the seeming non nonsensicalness of spending good money on a full price replacement piece for a phone that is on it’s last legs does she throw in that there is a discount place which would sell us one for less and that is really all she called to ask about.

So why not lead with the good parts is my only question. This information is what I needed to consider. We get off the phone.

Later I get a text from her saying another friend is about to get a new phone and would recycle the old one to my daughter if we need and want.

To date I have done nothing and I think things are fine. The dd has calmed down and the phone is still functioning. Someone else had an old charger to give her.

Somewhere in this all I think there is a message about depending on the wrong people as sources as well as about communication and how best to present a case to someone and get the reaction expected or preferred.

When will mine learn that I am not a sucker for hard luck cases?

Bus Trials & Trails

Ok... so the other night I needed to catch a bus @ 5:45 that would get me to the front of my college by 5:54 for a 6pm night class. I live 5 minutes away by auto and got to the bus stop around 45 after the hour. My bus departed between 40 and 44 after apparently because I did not catch one until the next run half an hour later.

This morning, I rush out to again utilize the local public transit and step in some mucky mud. It got not just on my cute girly shoes but the bottom of my pant leg. ARGH

The days I wake up late it means I will be half an hour late for class because that is how often the bus runs but it takes me 12 to 15 minutes to walk so about the same difference. No way I can get there on time.

Do I need strength and endurance training for some reason to be seen in the near future? I know walking, which I do as much as riding, is good for me. Intense itching can occur if I don’t properly warm up??? or have on restrictive clothing some times. Other times I have walked double the length in heels with groceries and just felt the weight of the items I was carrying. Go figure.

The night that happened in fact...

A bus I needed to catch ran so late I missed the train to get to the last bus running by my house that evening. I could have walked to the train station but not by the time I realized the bus would not make it.

Friends say they are willing to give me a ride but no one goes out of their way to just include and involve me in their plans for the day so I can get to the bank or grocery store. I feel forgotten and forsaken. Is it that I just have to ask? I doubt it. Good thing I am able minded and able bodied. I don’t need much help 'cause ain’t much coming.

I am not complaining just explaining what it’s like. There are of course much worse things to have happening in one’s life. The night I missed the last bus as I trudged towards home loaded down I was praying and talking to God. Nothing else to do right? lol “I need some help.” I said.

As I came down the freeway over pass there was a pan handler. He noticed my plight. "Ma'am can I help you?" he asked. What the heck is he going to do… I was thinking. He gathered his stuff and carried a few of my bags all the way to my apartment complex at least a mile. Interesting…I was appreciative.

Some help and it’s what I got. I had been thinking I could flag down a passing motorist who seemed to be going in my direction. Getting help from a pan handler on the side of the road who turned out to live in the neighborhood next to mine. Yeah no was not on my radar...

Decade Review. Disasters & Glee!

01 A wandering prodigal. I had a p/t seasonal job from a previous season. A permanent placement offer was on the table. Before 9/11 all that changed. I became Nanny to a family which visited NYC that August.

02 I picked up some supplemental hours at the old job and was released as Nanny. For a moment with the cushy job the plan had been to put money away for buying a house at around age 30.

02 Was the year I bought an ice cream maker and created delectable premium recipes with it.

03 God came calling and I said yes to Him.

04 Again a Nanny job ended, my car died then my coffee maker (ask me which I whined more about). Finally I lost my apartment.

05 With no transportation and a bit demoralized I was living back home with parents. To cheer myself up I started a little, online, local, homeschooling support group that is still going strong with over 300 families to date.

06 Early in February God confirmed that some where out there is a husband He wants me with. Then abruptly two weeks later my dad died unexpectedly in a car crash on his way to work. That summer my mother took me on vacation with her and gave me her car. That fall she evicted me. I ended up living with a friend of mine who has a mansion in El Macero a suburb of Davis for the winter. Did I mention the indoor pool? Ahahahaha

07 I got into my own place again and really wanted to move to NM but God said No… We gained and lost 3 kitties.

08 God gave L a dream and told me to put her in public school. (Crazy right?) We did Sly Park and moved 4 times.

09 I started @ Epic Bible college. We moved 4 times again the fourth of which L did not come with me. I ended up right where God wanted me and made friends with a teen age boy.

Last year I moved 4 more times (can you say "this gets old"?) and spent the summer in Rocklin while working downtown. It’s like He didn’t know I am not one for commuting. It killed my car. Waa

Cancer Risk or Fringe Hype?

I started hearing a weird fringe warning about the risk of the aluminum in deodorants and antiperspirants causing cancer or contributing to developing Alzheimer’s.

Yikes wow right? I had never even looked twice at the warning labels these products contain. Now as I scanned shelf after shelf I was hard pressed to find any that did not contain it. 

Are we really doing these things to ourselves was the question in the way back of my mind or rather is this proof at last??? I could only find non aluminum deodorants no antiperspirants. Thankfully sweat production was not a huge concern of mine. 

Next I realized that not all these deodorants were working well against my body odor to minimize if not completely totally neutralize it. I tried the Crystal stick, next some Toms of Maine scents. Nothing worked until I happened upon Adidas which I have been loving.

A recent post came through a site where I moderate a handful of groups. The post was from a breast cancer survivor sharing a simple recipe for homemade deodorant that she has been using:
 

1 tablespoon baking soda 

                               6 tablespoons of cornstarch

Someone followed up adding that mixing the sifted powder into melted coconut oil would produce a solid applicator for easier use and less mess in application. Maybe we will give this a try. Convincing the teen age girl to get on board with all my seemingly oddball ideas has not gone so smoothly.

It seems the National Cancer Institute is still trying to figure out if there is really any thing to worry about. I am just happy not to have to hold my breath while we wait.

Procrastinating on a Rainy Saturday

I should be organizing and packing for my move at months end but I am you know “busy doing market research” which is code for procrastination on the internet and trying to find a way to relate it back to profit making and business.

I think I need to write a book. Something powerful and up lifting for others to read and be encouraged by. When in the world will I have time for that. The bigger question is should I just be myself and make it a self help or should I create a character and write fiction?

Hmm points to ponder. Meanwhile I flitter around on the internet experiencing life through the filter of my online sites and connections.

I have homework I could be doing but nothing pressing. The three page reflection paper that is due Monday morning @ 10:40am will probably get worked on no earlier than 24 hours from now.

A few interesting links to conversations I find noteworthy:

6 Female Myths

Church ain't safe for Christians?

Hormone Replacement Study Findings

Happy fall it started raining sometime after I woke up around noon and before I had coffee around 2:30pm. Only got a few hours of sleep seeing as I pretty much pulled an all nighter and laid down at 8am.