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Thursday, April 14, 2011

Gods Plan All Along

I was flaming mad but decided to let it go. I had never wanted to return home in the first place. Three months later my mother felt sorry for me and offered to help me get re established on my own in some sort of more permanent housing.

With an eviction on my record I felt handicapped trying to look at apartments. I wanted to get into a duplex and out from under renting from businesses and companies. My mother found an apartment she liked however and paid for me to get into a one bedroom.

It was too small and expensive. That lasted six months with her paying the rent until she stopped and I was about to be evicted again. Slightly frantic because God had been speaking to me about everything else but my housing situation I said “Lord ok I am desperate here so if you have to YELL yell but tell me something!” Then I called my friend and prayer partner. 

When she prayed the Lord used her to say “I am going to fix your relationship with your mother.” That is when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been complaining to Him and asking Him why He had my parents and now just my mother paying my bills when I am a grown woman.

(Because they had failed to properly transition me from childhood to adulthood. I felt trapped because I was trapped.)

I called my mother right away and said I should come to her across the country. With a renewed attitude and spirit I felt we could finally get to the root of what is wrong between us fix it and move forward. She said no.

This was upsetting too. I felt it to be in the way of my healing and growing. Again I just decided to let go and let God handle things since I had done all that I could do.

I wanted to move to New Mexico but He wouldn't let me. I ended up sleeping on the floor (on a mattress with my daughter a dog and a cat) lol Oh the memories! It is my friends house. Her and her husband have two children in a three bedroom house. The family is tall so all the beds are tall but they had a little Daschund named Daisy. She was delighted to have warm bodies all but on the floor to cuddle up next to for three winter months.

Anyway fast forward to 2009. I was enrolled at Trinity Life Bible college. I had classes every day but Wednesday. One week we had a special speaker who would be speaking each day. He was bringing a week long message broken up into chunks. I had really enjoyed Monday and Tuesday. I was even looking forward to the rest of the week but something made me come in Wednesday to hear that part of the sermon. 

He told a fascinating tale about being stuck. After establishing himself in life and ministry he said he felt like he hit a plateau.

He had a wife, was lead pastor of a church but he felt this wall between him and the congregants. He grew up in a nice family but one where the dad never said “I love you” suddenly he had a burning desire inside to hear his father say those words.

A trip was arranged to get out of town and visit his parents. He said he made up in his mind to hug his dad and say “I love you” even if his dad never responded the way he was longing to hear it. To his surprise his dad opened the door when they arrived hugged him and for the first time he could ever recall said “I love you son.”

A weekend or so they stayed together and over and over again the father blessed his son with these and other words. When the man got back to his home and church he felt a new release in his ministry.

This would have just been an interesting story except something peculiar happened. My mother living so far away I barely talked to her. I had been moving a lot since 2007 as well about a dozen times. Out of the blue she called. I was in the welfare office trying to deal with paper work and other issues. 
She wanted to make sure I was alright because she said the Holy Spirit had arrested her and insisted she call and apologize to me. She thought I was mad at her or upset about something current. No it's about my past. It is about healing and releasing me. There are things parents need to do and say.

Words are powerful and we do not have to receive them for them to create hang ups, barriers and problems in our life. It feels like having a net on. It is not in you but it is holding you back.


  1. What a great post, what a blessing your sharing it. Hugs you!

  2. Thanks! This series of posts on my struggles along the journey were inspired by a fellow student and single mom who was reading my blog. I share my stories to encourage others.