Gods Plan All Along

I was flaming mad but decided to let it go. I had never wanted to return home in the first place. Three months later my mother felt sorry for me and offered to help me get re established on my own in some sort of more permanent housing.

With an eviction on my record I felt handicapped trying to look at apartments. I wanted to get into a duplex and out from under renting from businesses and companies. My mother found an apartment she liked however and paid for me to get into a one bedroom.

It was too small and expensive. That lasted six months with her paying the rent until she stopped and I was about to be evicted again. Slightly frantic because God had been speaking to me about everything else but my housing situation I said “Lord ok I am desperate here so if you have to YELL yell but tell me something!” Then I called my friend and prayer partner. 

 

When she prayed the Lord used her to say “I am going to fix your relationship with your mother.” That is when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been complaining to Him and asking Him why He had my parents and now just my mother paying my bills when I am a grown woman.

(Because they had failed to properly transition me from childhood to adulthood. I felt trapped because I was trapped.)

I called my mother right away and said I should come to her across the country. With a renewed attitude and spirit I felt we could finally get to the root of what is wrong between us fix it and move forward. She said no.

This was upsetting too. I felt it to be in the way of my healing and growing. Again I just decided to let go and let God handle things since I had done all that I could do.

I wanted to move to New Mexico but He wouldn't let me. I ended up sleeping on the floor (on a mattress with my daughter a dog and a cat) lol Oh the memories! It is my friends house. Her and her husband have two children in a three bedroom house. The family is tall so all the beds are tall but they had a little Daschund named Daisy. She was delighted to have warm bodies all but on the floor to cuddle up next to for three winter months.

Anyway fast forward to 2009. I was enrolled at Trinity Life Bible college. I had classes every day but Wednesday. One week we had a special speaker who would be speaking each day. He was bringing a week long message broken up into chunks. I had really enjoyed Monday and Tuesday. I was even looking forward to the rest of the week but something made me come in Wednesday to hear that part of the sermon. 

 

He told a fascinating tale about being stuck. After establishing himself in life and ministry he said he felt like he hit a plateau.

He had a wife, was lead pastor of a church but he felt this wall between him and the congregants. He grew up in a nice family but one where the dad never said “I love you” suddenly he had a burning desire inside to hear his father say those words.

A trip was arranged to get out of town and visit his parents. He said he made up in his mind to hug his dad and say “I love you” even if his dad never responded the way he was longing to hear it. To his surprise his dad opened the door when they arrived hugged him and for the first time he could ever recall said “I love you son.”

A weekend or so they stayed together and over and over again the father blessed his son with these and other words. When the man got back to his home and church he felt a new release in his ministry.

This would have just been an interesting story except something peculiar happened. My mother living so far away I barely talked to her. I had been moving a lot since 2007 as well about a dozen times. Out of the blue she called. I was in the welfare office trying to deal with paper work and other issues. 

 

She wanted to make sure I was alright because she said the Holy Spirit had arrested her and insisted she call and apologize to me. She thought I was mad at her or upset about something current. No it's about my past. It is about healing and releasing me. There are things parents need to do and say.

Words are powerful and we do not have to receive them for them to create hang ups, barriers and problems in our life. It feels like having a net on. It is not in you but it is holding you back.

Repurosing The Pain Of Returning Home

Of course God was not trying to punish me or be mean. He wanted my relationships with my parents to bring healing for all of us. Only my dad got it. If only my mom could have been more like my dad. Of course my mom and brother seem to think I had my father wrapped around my little finger which makes no sense to me.

When I say I stood up to my mother I guess I just mean we argued and I did not back down. Not really the same thing.

I have to share something that happened when I was in 6^th grade. I made a teacher cry. Our teacher was chastising the class for being extra rowdy when we were actually being normal. She had false expectations for various reasons. When she gave time for the class to respond to what she was complaining about I raised my hand and confronted her with her false expectations. It convicted her, she cried, apologized and changed.

No one could have been more shocked than me. How was I to know this was a gift I have been given to silence some critics and tame some out of control relationships and behaviors??? No body told me. (This and these are the other reasons I am still upset about my childhood.) Yeah I know join the club.

Ok back to the tale...

I felt trapped back at home with no end in sight. One day my mother was passing me in a walk way around our house. Something triggered her and she just UNLEASHED at me:

"WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHY DO YOU DISRESPECT ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

I had no idea what she was referring to. I thought Lord you need to help her see clearly. I have done nothing to her. I just live here and it annoys her. It had been a really shocking out burst. She hadn't yelled at me since I was a child and I had no idea why she was taking things personally that I was doing or not doing.

Looking back I guess I should have dealt with that in the moment or some time after but I was just not in the right head space. I figured if she was so off base there was nothing I could say to answer her questions. Further I felt if she really wanted to deal with something it would be brought up in a conversation not by screaming unexpectedly.

We trudged on. I tried to live my life as best as I could. Then my dad died early in 2006. It was a shock to us all. Six months later my mom took my daughter and I to Florida on vacation with her. She also gave me her old car and bought a new one.

Then she got laid off from her job in the fall. She told me I would need to start helping out financially. I took that right to God since my job with the friend had stopped paying and then stopped all together. The only kind of work I had done in my daughters life time had been child care or part time evening office work. The office work was legislatively seasonal starting in December at the earliest so that was out.

Almost as soon as I prayed a child care offer came up through the friend I had just worked with. I was excited to tell my mother our prayers were about to be answered. Her face soured and she said she did not want her house used as a day care. The job never came through. Soon she gave me a 30 day notice.

When it was over she shuffled me out of her/my home. She was nice enough to call a friend to help us. Together we moved all my things into a larger storage unit which she paid for.

I was alone and off on my own again. I called a friend in Davis. He had just lost his mother to cancer and inherited her home in El Macero a Davis suberb. The house has an indoor pool and jacuzzi with a dry and wet bar off the kitchen.... A nice place to spend a rent free winter while in crisis.

God was trying to tell me something.

We Are Blessed Do You See?

I have to be at work in 11 hours. I just cleaned my bathroom and started a load of laundry. It is 5 am lol this is my life. I am not up early...I just don't sleep much. A nap is scheduled between perhaps 7am & 11am....that is the plan.

hahahaha about plans. My plans anyway, some days I barely know why I make them. Maybe they are just an out line of how my days and life could go.

Sunday my plan was to attend church then pick up my daughter and head to the last day of the state fair. Weird Al was performing. Wanting to catch the show @ 8pm meant we needed to be there in time to see all the sites and enjoy some rides.

Saturday night was another like this one where sleep was rather elusive and my scheduled nap was interrupted by the daughter calling to get details on our days plans. Feeling a bit run down I opted to watch my churches service via the internet which let me sleep till 11.

Problems with the internet and computer meant I could not at all multi task like I wanted. Just to paint my nails and other small things like take some pictures to add here and elsewhere. Does this sound sacrilegious? Just keep reading....

The plan was to meet with the daughter or even be at the fair by 2pm. It was 4pm and I was leaving the house in Rocklin. Dropping by the trash bins to deposit some stuff I saw a nice looking vacuum sitting around with a sign that said FREE works well.

Stashed that in the garage and headed for the freeway which was a nightmare! Skirted on to surface streets. Had to pick up some groceries to bless the step family where my daughter has been staying and finally we were free to go.

Speaking of free as we walked and waited to enter Cal Expo having parked a block or so away a lady handed us two $2 off coupons for entrance. Before we got wanded & entered the gates a young couple in front of us turned and offered us half of their Poppy Pack. Entrance to the fair FREE.

The concert was sold out but just as good in the public seating surrounding the venue. We saw and heard everything. It went on past 10pm. The daughters step sisters spirited her away for a bit to enjoy a few more rides than we had time for. After the concert we bought some more tickets and enjoyed a few more.

These kinds of days filled with simple blessings are praise and SHOUT worthy to me.